No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My life is pants optional.
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