splinters make it hard to masturbate
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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