The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
