I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
