You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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