i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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