Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
