Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
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Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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