Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
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We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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