i think my mom watched the whole time
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
