Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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