if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
