We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis