Umm I'm too high to move.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything