Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
