Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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