I wish I could teleport
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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