got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
