Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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