: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
