he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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