before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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