so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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