He disabled his match.com account in front of me
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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