At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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