Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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