someone threw a dead crab at me
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
