I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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