If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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