I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
