Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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