If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
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I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
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had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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