just survived the first fart of the relationship.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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