She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
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Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
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On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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