I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
