the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
