Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
