wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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