I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
