Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize