i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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