My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
