I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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