i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
