You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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