so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
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Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
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That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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