everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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