You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
