I will die if light touches me.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
two words: eviction party
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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