After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
