I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
