just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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