I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
