They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
