The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
