so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
