Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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