Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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