I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
